So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
