When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
