Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
