I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
