Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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