Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
