Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
