i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
