The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
