they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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