We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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