If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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