Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
