Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
barbara walters just said penis...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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