I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Everything about him screamed your future.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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