You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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