Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
