Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
