I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
