Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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