I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
