Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
