She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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