i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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