no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
