handjob tips. give me some.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
