OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
