My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
