My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
