So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
