everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
