How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My dick has a subreddit
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
