I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
