i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
True college students do jello shots in the library
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