he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I want a musical about memes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
