i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
