who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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