I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
