Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This is my gift to your gina
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sobbing to NWA
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
