Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I still have a little drunk in my system
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
