I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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