I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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