And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
