I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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