I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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