Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
