You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
