But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
the day after is always just damage control
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
