Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He did a backflip because drugs
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