There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
