It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
