??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
