She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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