So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
