I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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