When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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