I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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