First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
